Procrastination!!

And that's what I am indulging in as I type in this blogpost. I am procrastinating.
It feels like the most natural thing to do when your mind is overwhelmed with tons of information, and you have no clarity on how it all fits together. When the grand visions of the scheme of things are still in its stages of infancy, and you are drowning in self-doubt and self-pity.
The shameless act is that I know all this, and yet here I am chomping the keys to ward off that edginess I feel.
And while I am idling on this topic lets psychoanalyze as to why? Why is it that I find this more deserving use of my time than doing the actual work. Actual work that I fought so hard to get, which is intriguing. Actual work, with actual deadlines, with looming deadlines.
Talking into a void like this one has to have some kind of validity, or else why is this my chosen mode for procrastination.
Is it about writing things out and then reading them back to me, or is it about a sense of accomplishment of having done something, like writing a post?
Is it about self-validation or self-evaluation?

And while we are on this topic, I did some reading of my own. I came across some interesting stuff. It's very validating and reassuring to learn that its all this sneaky monkey's fault.

BAD BAD MONKEY!!

Random as it can be..

Totally random, that's where my heads at.
I like green, yellow and blue. These colors somehow invoke some kind of optimism, that even though its raining shit, it'll be ok.
I am a keeper, but I am very bad at lying, like Sheldon Cooper bad.
I envy my husband at times, don't know if that's normal. He is a smooth talker. I wish I could do that. Someday I'll tell you about our "Gare du Nord" story.
Both I and my husband have different ideas about a vacation. I like to laze about, soak up the sun, sip a beer or two, read some books, do promenade shopping, and by now you must have guessed that I cannot do without proper resort and good beach towels. He wants action, adventure, sweat, dirt, and grime. I fantasize about a backpacking trip around Europe but will sell you out the moment I see shared toilets or bunk beds. How did we end up together beats me?
I love kids. And sometimes it's a painful reminder that I don't have one. It makes me sad, but I breathe deeply and think of something else.
I like to cook. The ingenuity of whipping something up from scratch just amazes me. I like to feed people too, find it very gratifying.
If I am a character from any animated movie, I would be Donkey from Shrek. I will not leave your side no matter what, plus I am stubborn.
I miss my dog. Her name was Krispy. I loved her.

I guess I should stop before I divulge any more state secrets.

Syndrome

I am out of sorts. It's not a seasonal thing as I thought. This is becoming a more and more permanent feature. I am tired and I am clueless. So after a long hiatus I am back to take refuge in one place which gives me some sense of semblance, where I can basically spill all the beans, and somehow in my strange weird way piece together the ramblings in my head.

I haven't had words coming out of me with such ease in a while. It took me like a minute to type till here, and that is high-speed roller-coaster speed in my world. I haven't experienced this in a while.

Whats primed me for this conversation I wonder.

I don't know it was called Imposter Syndrome until now. I don't know if knowing the name will help, but it was validating for sure.